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Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda
Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda
Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda
Ebook336 pages4 hours

Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda

Rating: 4.5 out of 5 stars

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About this ebook

Now a major motion picture: Love, Simon, starring Nick Robinson and Katherine Langford! This edition includes new Simon and Blue emails, a behind-the-scenes scrapbook from the Love, Simon movie set, and Becky Albertalli in conversation with fellow authors Adam Silvera and Angie Thomas.

William C. Morris Award Winner: Best Young Adult Debut of the Year * National Book Award Longlist

"A remarkable gift of a novel."—Andrew Smith, author of Grasshopper Jungle

"I am so in love with this book."—Nina LaCour, author of Hold Still

"Feels timelessly, effortlessly now."—Tim Federle, author of Better Nate Than Ever

"The best kind of love story."—Alex Sanchez, Lambda Award-winning author of Rainbow Boys and Boyfriends with Girlfriends

Sixteen-year-old and not-so-openly gay Simon Spier prefers to save his drama for the school musical. But when an email falls into the wrong hands, his secret is at risk of being thrust into the spotlight. Now change-averse Simon has to find a way to step out of his comfort zone before he's pushed out—without alienating his friends, compromising himself, or fumbling a shot at happiness with the most confusing, adorable guy he's never met.

Incredibly funny and poignant, this twenty-first-century coming-of-age, coming out story—wrapped in a geek romance—is a knockout of a debut novel by Becky Albertalli.

Plus don't miss Yes No Maybe So, Becky Albertalli's and Aisha Saeed's heartwarming and hilarious new novel, coming in 2020! 

Editor's Note

Cute teenage romance…

You’ll love this book if you’re a champion of more LGBTQ+ representation in YA and if you generally enjoy quippy teenage wit. Simon’s coming out story is a great blend of lovable teenage hijinks, mystery, and cute romance.

LanguageEnglish
PublisherHarperCollins
Release dateApr 7, 2015
ISBN9780062348692
Author

Becky Albertalli

Becky Albertalli is the #1 New York Times bestselling author of William C. Morris Award winner and National Book Award longlist title Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda (now a major motion picture, Love, Simon); The Upside of Unrequited; Leah on the Offbeat; the Simonverse novella Love, Creekwood; What If It’s Us (cowritten with Adam Silvera); Yes No Maybe So (cowritten with Aisha Saeed); Kate in Waiting; and Imogen, Obviously, a Stonewall Honor Book. Becky lives with her family near Atlanta. You can visit her online at beckyalbertalli.com. 

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Rating: 4.299189872685186 out of 5 stars
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  • Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
    5/5
    High school student Simon isn't quite ready to tell his friends and family that he's gay but when another student accidentally stumbles upon the secret and threatens to reveal it, Simon is left in a bad place. Meanwhile, Simon has also been anonymously emailing with another gay student, whom he is developing a real crush on ... except neither of them know each other's true identity.This was a great read with characters that felt realistic. The characters represent a fairly diverse set of people, without feeling like it's trying to fit a quota. The romance aspect was really nicely done and I caught myself smiling at how cute it was several times -- and I'm not typically a romance fan!While there were definitely moments that suggested otherwise, on the whole it ended happily for everyone involved. (Some people might not like that sort of 'Hollywood' ending, but sometimes it's nice to have a book that isn't all doom and gloom.) I would definitely recommend this title to teens and adults who enjoy realistic fiction.For the audiobook listener, Michael Crouch was an absolutely fabulous narrator. He made all the characters, but most especially Simon, come to life.
  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    Simon vs. The HomoSapiens Agendaby Becky Albertelli2015Epic Reads4.8 / 5.0One of the most genuine and beautiful depictions of coming out and gay teenage crushes I have read. It's funny and sweet,but also a serious and mostly positive example of coming out in a largely straight world. It has passion and pride, fear and insecurity. Becky Albertelli brings the very personal act of coming out/ being outed to the reader in a supportive and inclusive fashion. To educate not to label.Simon is the sweet funny guy at Shady Creek High School, who uses a school computer to send an email to a mysterious guy he likes, all he knows is he goes by the name blue. Blue also attends the same school, but they share no personal information so have no idea who the other one is. But Simon forgets to log out of the computer and the email is seen by a straight guy, Martin, who tells Simon he will keep the email and the screenshot private if Simon will help him meet a girl he likes, Abby.It's hard not to like such an uplifting and positive book, that shares the emotional and encompassing feeling all teenagers experience, with an overall tone of acceptance.
  • Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
    5/5
    5 freaking stars
    (because that was the highlight of my day, possibly even week and month)

    I wasn't sure what to think of the book before I started it, thinking I might not be that interested in reading about a 16-year-old, but it turned out to be one of my favourites books so far and I'm so happy that I read it. It totally made my day in such an unexpected but so pleasant way. I'm going to sleep with a smile on my face tonight thanks to that book and, seeing how the rest of my day was so bad, that's saying a lot.

    I loved it right from the start, from the very first page actually. Simon was such an amazing protagonist it was really easy and enjoyable to read it from his perspective. Actually, all characters were awesome in their own way and I'm pretty sure it's because they are so realistic. I have a vivid image of all of them and their relationships with each other, and it was just so good to read a LGBT novel from such a funny and positive yet realistic view.

    I may not have laughed out loud that often, but I definitely smiled almost the entire book and you can be sure there are many quotes from that book that I'm gonna write down, because that's how both funny and just-so-true-and-relatable this book is to me.

    I highly recommend it, especially since it's quite short and an easy read, but one that you'll definitely remember fondly!
  • Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
    5/5
    For more reviews, gifs, Cover Snark and more, visit A Reader of Fictions.Everyone, aka Lindsay Ribar and Dahlia Adler, told me that Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda was a Christina book. While I totally love this, it also makes me nervous. What if I let them down? And Becky’s a local author, so disliking her book could be totally awkward and angst angst angst. I worried for absolutely no reason, because freaking obviously Dahlia and Lindsay were all sorts of right, and Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda is just the cutest freaking book.First off, I love Simon. His voice is absolute perfection. I didn’t quite instalove on his narration, but I actually love that too. Simon takes time to open up to people. He’s not the easiest guy in the world to get to know, because he really doesn’t like having people all up in his business. While popular and friends with most everybody, Simon’s a bit reserved and judgmental. He’s a sweet guy, but he’s also stubborn and swears a lot, which also makes me love him even more.The reason Simon’s so secretive, even with his best friends, is his family. He loves them, but they’re also overwhelmingly interested. I empathize, Simon. He holds information back because people make such a big deal about it and it really makes him nervous. The family dynamics are truly perfect, though. The whole family is so loving, which doesn’t mean perfect obviously. The parents are very present and do things like grounding their kids. Also, the family traditions like Facebook status hunting and Bachelorette viewing are so adorable.Then there are the friend group dynamics. Simon’s closest friends have always been Leah and Nick, but, lately, Abby, a transfer, has become part of the group. It’s thrown off the dynamics in a big way, especially since Leah likes Nick, who likes Abby. Simon, in his typical way, is trying to avoid the drama getting to him, which in turn causes problems. Establishing groups of friends and actually giving all of them screen time is really tricky—there’s a reason most YA characters have a singular friend—but Albertalli really pulls it off. The tension between Abby and Leah is especially well-handled; it could easily have felt like girl hate, but it’s way more than that.Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda is framed around Simon’s email romance with a mystery guy he calls Blue. For about five seconds, I thought that was the guy’s real name and was doing some serious side-eye, but it’s all good. The rapport between Simon and Blue via email is super adorable. Though Blue doesn’t want to reveal his real identity, they also open up about a lot of stuff they don’t feel comfortable telling anyone irl. It’s so much easier to talk to people online, and that really makes their flirtation work.The two talk a lot about coming out. Simon‘s sort of about that, but I’d say it’s more about finding yourself in general. Simon and Blue do come out over the course of the book, but it’s not a huge deal. I also like that Simon talks about how revealing anything new about himself feels like coming out, and that really everyone should come out, because there’s no reason to assume someone’s straight either. Albertalli also touches on the way that casual jokes that aren’t meant to harm can really be upsetting in Simon’s relationship with his dad. Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda is most definitely a fluffy romance, but it is also designed top open eyes and make people consider how heteronormativity continues to be an underpinning of society.Simon, in trying to figure out who Blue is, checks out a lot of guys. I love this. He has someone he’s mentally chosen to cast as Blue in his fantasies, but he’s basically got minor crushes on several people. This is so true to my own teen experience and in YA characters are so often only into THE ONE. The dynamics in this book are just spot on. Also, I called the ship immediately and I was right and it was beautiful.Finally, remember how I mentioned Albertalli’s a local author? I actually even picked this book up free at Decatur Book Festival last August. Anyway, it’s set in Atlanta, which is a special pleasure for me. I particularly delighted in the comment that this one kid has a southern accent and how weird that is. People from most anywhere else are always asking why I don’t have an accent. The novel also reflects the diversity I’m used to seeing in my daily life. Similarly, I think the reaction to Simon being gay fit pretty well with Atlanta and what things were like in my high school.Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda is so good that I spent the last half of the book literally yelling AWWWW at it out loud. This is not necessarily normal behavior for me. *shoves Simon at everyone*
  • Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
    5/5
    Well the movie led me to this novel. I loved the movie but adored this even more as I really enjoyed the more in depth look at Blue through his emails with Simon; lovely to see their relationship grow a bit as well rather than just ending on a kiss.
  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    Yes, I admit, I was driven to read this after seeing and loving the movie. In a lot of ways, I actually felt the movie was better in this instance. Why? Because it actually got it right and is, overall, extremely faithful to the book. Thus, since I saw it first, the book really just felt like a repeat which took longer to get through. Still, whether you read the book or watch the movie, this is a story that you really need to get into.
  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    Loved this book!! Now I want to go see the movie. Simon is such an interestingly written character, and the way he deals with his blackmailer is fun to read. I especially loved his relationships with his friends, and the ending. Oh my!!
  • Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
    5/5
    What a wonderful read! Many lines were spot on in the novel--why doesn't everyone have to come out?! I finished the book and realized I truly enjoyed the characters, plot, and the entire novel. While the main character is gay, they novel itself was more a "humankind" experience. The universal themes of acceptance, love, bullying, and friendship are strong and transcend the other elements of the novel. A must read!
  • Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
    5/5
    A must read YA novel... grab a copy!
  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    This book is so funny and totally adorable. I seriously smiled through half of it. Such a sweet story and a very quick read!
  • Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
    5/5
    Simon Spier has not told anyone that he's gay. He knows everyone will still love him, but it's just not fair that he has to "come out" and straight people don't. The only person who knows is Simon's secret pen pal - a boy in Simon's grade who he emails with every day and knows only as "Blue". They confide in each other despite - or because of - not knowing who the other one is. But their relationship is in danger when someone finds out and threatens Simon with exposure. Will Simon give into blackmail, or let someone else take away his freedom to come out on his own terms? Simon is great. Simon's family is great. His friends are great. The reveal of Blue's identity was perfect. As with the best YA books, there's a theme of not knowing who the people around you really are. Simon has a part of his life that he keeps from everyone else, but at the same time he doesn't know his classmates well enough to tell which one is Blue. As usual I had a few logistical problems (which probably mostly stem from the fact that I don't understand Tumblr) but the good writing and delightful story more than compensated.
  • Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
    5/5
    SO many feels!
  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    Overall, I liked this book, though I wish I could have loved it. As characters go, Simon ended up being a likeable one. Though, it jumped so fast into him being on edge, literally from the first page, that it was really difficult for me to understand him or his motivations. He seemed to act more like a middle schooler than a high schooler most the book. I wish there had been an introduction to him in the beginning so that they cute, adorable and like able version I saw in the last fourth of the book would have been prevalent the entire time. As it was, I found him hard to root for for the first portion because he just seemed like not all that good a friend. The email chapters were my favorite, and watching the romance unfold that way was unique and charming. It was those that opened me up more to Simon as a character as he tended to let his guard down more and to open up more. I thought it was well written, and had some great themes about coming out, friendship, family, etc. that worked well within the story. It definitely had a high school feel and centered mostly on this person likes this person, who actually likes this person, but did over here, this person likes this person. I want to pretend that is not what high school was about for me, but in all honesty it probably was. So I suppose Albertalli writes a pretty great depiction of high school. It was a quick and enjoyable read.
  • Rating: 3 out of 5 stars
    3/5
    Narrated by Michael Crouch. Gay boys longing to find a nice boy of their own may find Simon's introspective romance reflects their own yearnings and conflicts about being gay in a mostly straight world. Crouch's sensitive portrayal of Simon and his supportive friends and family will have listeners rooting for Simon to get his dream boy. The sensitive and thoughtful tone of the novel put me in mind of Rainbow Rowell's romances.
  • Rating: 3 out of 5 stars
    3/5
    Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda presents an interesting look at a boys coming out story. Though sometimes written as that the reader feels as if they come in at the middle of the story, the character of Simon is perfectly written to make that not seem as important as the challenges in which he mets ranging from blackmail, coming out, and meeting his email friend. Overall, Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda is a good story with a main character in which easily to relate to no matter whom you are.
  • Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
    5/5
    This is one of the cutest love stories I have ever read. I (surprisingly?) did not find it cheesy at all, and I found it so easy to love Simon and all of his friends. It's just a really great book, and a quick read, and it really warmed my stone cold heart.
  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    A very cute book. I was told to read it because it was funny and kind of up my alley. It was definitely up my alley, but I thought it more fun than funny. I did like Simon's sarcastic nature, and while there was more vulgarity present than I'm usually used to in YA books, it fits in well. This is clearly a book of this generation. It actually does a really good job of bringing this decade to life, showing it off in a good light, something I don't see a lot of. Things are wrapped up very nicely at the end and I didn't finish it thinking I wanted anything else to resolve, which is also kind of rare these days in my reading. It's a very nice addition to the mental bookshelf.
  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    THIS IS THE CUTEST THING I'VE EVER READ OH MY GOOOOOD it was definitely not what i expected but i loved it so much especially the last 20%
  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    Oh my god, this book is so, utterly precious. It is equal parts insightful, endearing, and laugh-out-loud adorable. With wonderfully fleshed out characters of all kinds, and a singular, unforgettably real voice, this is a romantic coming-of-age romp you won't want to miss! ★★★★☆.
  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    This book made me say 'awww' and sigh - every few pages. Such sweet moments. And I'm not usually the 'awww' type of person. Perhaps I need to let myself change into that sort of person more often.
  • Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
    5/5
    This was one of those books that I'm skeptical about and unsure if I'm going to finish it, let alone LIKE it. But, I loved it! I've heard about this book so much on BookTube and in social media, even before the movie and I can't believe it took me this long to read. I really didn't know what I was missing not reading this book. I will recommend this book to everyone.
  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    pretty adorable (got me right in my "it's absolutely possible to fall in love over email" soft spot)
  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    Simon is a closeted gay teenager living in the Atlanta suburbs and finding himself falling in love for the first time. The problem is that the boy he loves he only knows through anonymous email exchanges. Over the course of this novel, both Simon and "Blue" end up coming out and eventually meeting in real life. But what's great about this novel is that it explores the changes and complications of life in Simon's circle of friends and family. The book has a lot of heart, romance, and humor.
  • Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
    5/5
    I am reading another book which is beautiful but very bleak. So I am having a not so great life at the moment, it will pass, all first world problems, but it is exhausting. I kept looking at this other book every night, and putting it aside and flipping on the television. My frayed psyche needed a book that was light, and sweet, and funny and one that reminded me that even when the assholes in your life loom so large it seems like all people are terrible that in fact most people are wonderful. This book did just that. (It also checked a box on my Book Riot Read Harder Challenge (LGBTQ+ romance.) And I could not be farther from the intended audience. I am a middle aged, straight, female and I do not like YA as a rule. But this story of connection just charmed me to my core. Extra points for the ATL references. It was funny, Aurora Coffee, Junkman's Daughter, and Waffle House were prominently featured but the author changed the names of Sandy Springs, Riverwood High, Charis Book Store (which is an awesome bookstore and could use the shout out), Einstein's, and a few other things. It was weird. Otherwise all good. If you want a short romantic read that will remind you why teenagers and their parents are great, this is it.
  • Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
    5/5
    An appealing protagonist, Simon, is blackmailed with the threat of exposure as being gay. In a world where there are still sixteen-year-olds who are not willing to come out of the closet this is a book about the difficulties of negotiating the halls, both physical and cyber, of high school. The suspense regarding the status of Simon's hidden cyber-relationship and the ramifications of friendship and other problems of growing up are explored in this remarkable and clever novel.
  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    Simon a gay high school student who has never come out... not so much out of fear of rejection, as fear of everyone making a big deal of it. But when he starts having a flirtatious email-only affair with another closeted boy in his own school, things start to change. Meanwhile, he is trying to maintain his close friendships with a few fellow students, stay close to his family - who are quite supportive - and get through a a blackmail attempt from a guy who has seen some of his emails to "Blue" and threatened to expose him if Simon won't help him hook up with his own crush.Simon and his friends are an extremely likable bunch, and the book has far more upbeat pages than downers. Even the blackmailing Martin is never as bad as I expected him to be. I found it a sweet, enjoyable book. Good - but not quite as good as the hype and awards led me to expect.One little criticism: The words cute and adorable were used WAY too frequently.
  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    This is a delightful book that captures the angst of growing up and coming to terms with one's identity. While focused on the coming out of a teenage boy, the author extends the message to all teens: everyone has a uniqueness that will transition them from child to adult, a break in the image their environment had of them. Some kids have it easier than others, but it's a rite of passage.Definitely a recommended read of any teenager.
  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    In Simon vs. the Homo Sapien Agenda, Simon, a gay teenager, enters into an anonymous email relationship with another gay, male student named Blue when he discovers his post on the school Tumblr site. But Simon is careless, and he leaves the content of one of his emails on the screen when he signs out of the computer at the school library. Another student, Martin, threatens to expose Simon as being gay. He uses that information to blackmail Simon into promoting a relationship for him with Abby, one of Simon’s best friends. Throughout the novel, the reader becomes familiar with, not only Simon, but also his circle of friends and the individual dynamics that are occurring within that group. Simon is such a likable fellow, full of feeling and humor, so one cannot help but wish him the best, as he strives to find his path through this social quagmire. I so appreciated this novel because I felt that it presented a very relevant coming of age story, one which is true to the high school scene, and one to which many teenagers might relate.
  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    Simon is outed while trying to deal with his best friends' problems, his parents, and his youngest sister. I liked Simon. His family was weird but likable. The story captured the angst of the teen years. Best friends are not easy to tell especially when jealousy comes along. He is also falling in love with a Tumblr e-mail pal. I liked how social media is portrayed--the good and the bad to the downright ugly. This is a good beach read. I look forward to more in the series.
  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    i normally do not go for young adult contemporary but this book is SO CUTE i kept having to put my book down it was just TOO CUTE

Book preview

Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda - Becky Albertalli

1

IT’S A WEIRDLY SUBTLE CONVERSATION. I almost don’t notice I’m being blackmailed.

We’re sitting in metal folding chairs backstage, and Martin Addison says, I read your email.

What? I look up.

Earlier. In the library. Not on purpose, obviously.

You read my email?

Well, I used the computer right after you, he says, and when I typed in Gmail, it pulled up your account. You probably should have logged out.

I stare at him, dumbfounded. He taps his foot against the leg of his chair.

So, what’s the point of the fake name? he asks.

Well. I’d say the point of the fake name was to keep people like Martin Addison from knowing my secret identity. So I guess that worked out brilliantly.

I guess he must have seen me sitting at the computer.

And I guess I’m a monumental idiot.

He actually smiles. Anyway, I thought it might interest you that my brother is gay.

Um. Not really.

He looks at me.

What are you trying to say? I ask.

Nothing. Look, Spier, I don’t have a problem with it. It’s just not that big of a deal.

Except it’s a little bit of a disaster, actually. Or possibly an epic fuckstorm of a disaster, depending on whether Martin can keep his mouth shut.

This is really awkward, Martin says.

I don’t even know how to reply.

Anyway, he says, it’s pretty obvious that you don’t want people to know.

I mean. I guess I don’t. Except the whole coming out thing doesn’t really scare me.

I don’t think it scares me.

It’s a giant holy box of awkwardness, and I won’t pretend I’m looking forward to it. But it probably wouldn’t be the end of the world. Not for me.

The problem is, I don’t know what it would mean for Blue. If Martin were to tell anyone. The thing about Blue is that he’s kind of a private person. The kind of person who wouldn’t forget to log out of his email. The kind of person who might never forgive me for being so totally careless.

So I guess what I’m trying to say is that I don’t know what it would mean for us. For Blue and me.

But I seriously can’t believe I’m having this conversation with Martin Addison. Of all the people who could have logged into Gmail after me. You have to understand that I never would have used the library computers in the first place, except they block the wireless here. And it was one of those days where I couldn’t wait until I was home on my laptop. I mean, I couldn’t even wait to check it on my phone in the parking lot.

Because I had written Blue from my secret account this morning. And it was sort of an important email.

I just wanted to see if he had written back.

I actually think people would be cool about it, Martin says. You should be who you are.

I don’t even know where to begin with that. Some straight kid who barely knows me, advising me on coming out. I kind of have to roll my eyes.

Okay, well, whatever. I’m not going to show anyone, he says.

For a minute, I’m stupidly relieved. But then it hits me.

Show anyone? I ask.

He blushes and fidgets with the hem of his sleeve. Something about his expression makes my stomach clench.

Did you—did you take a screenshot or something?

Well, he says, I wanted to talk to you about that.

"Sorry—you took a fucking screenshot?"

He purses his lips together and stares over my shoulder. Anyway, he says, I know you’re friends with Abby Suso, so I wanted to ask—

Seriously? Or maybe we could go back to you telling me why you took a screenshot of my emails.

He pauses. I mean, I guess I’m wondering if you want to help me talk to Abby.

I almost laugh. So what—you want me to put in a good word for you?

Well, yeah, he says.

And why the hell should I do that?

He looks at me, and it suddenly clicks. This Abby thing. This is what he wants from me. This, in exchange for not broadcasting my private fucking emails.

And Blue’s emails.

Jesus Christ. I mean, I guess I figured Martin was harmless. A little bit of a goobery nerd, to be honest, but it’s not like that’s a bad thing. And I’ve always thought he was kind of hilarious.

Except I’m not laughing now.

You’re actually going to make me do this, I say.

Make you? Come on. It’s not like that.

Well, what’s it like?

It’s not like anything. I mean, I like this girl. I was just thinking you would want to help me here. Invite me to stuff when she’ll be there. I don’t know.

And what if I don’t? You’ll put the emails on Facebook? On the fucking Tumblr?

Jesus. The creeksecrets Tumblr: ground zero for Creekwood High School gossip. The entire school would know within a day.

We’re both quiet.

I just think we’re in a position to help each other out, Martin finally says.

I swallow, thickly.

Paging Marty, Ms. Albright calls from the stage. Act Two, Scene Three.

So, just think about it. He dismounts his chair.

Oh yeah. I mean, this is so goddamn awesome, I say.

He looks at me. And there’s this silence.

I don’t know what the hell you want me to say, I add finally.

Well, whatever. He shrugs. And I don’t think I’ve ever been so ready for someone to leave. But as his fingers graze the curtains, he turns to me.

Just curious, he says. Who’s Blue?

No one. He lives in California.

If Martin thinks I’m selling out Blue, he’s fucking crazy.

Blue doesn’t live in California. He lives in Shady Creek, and he goes to our school. Blue isn’t his real name.

He’s someone. He may even be someone I know. But I don’t know who. And I’m not sure I want to know.

And I’m seriously not in the mood to deal with my family. I probably have about an hour until dinner, which means an hour of trying to spin my school day into a string of hilarious anecdotes. My parents are like that. It’s like you can’t just tell them about your French teacher’s obvious wedgie, or Garrett dropping his tray in the cafeteria. You have to perform it. Talking to them is more exhausting than keeping a blog.

It’s funny, though. I used to love the chatter and chaos before dinner. Now it seems like I can’t get out the door fast enough. Today especially. I stop only long enough to click the leash onto Bieber’s collar and get him out the door.

I’m trying to lose myself in Tegan and Sara on my iPod. But I can’t stop thinking about Blue and Martin Addison and the holy awfulness of today’s rehearsal.

So Martin is into Abby, just like every other geeky straight boy in Advanced Placement. And really, all he wants is for me to let him tag along when I hang out with her. It doesn’t seem like a huge deal when I think about it that way.

Except for the fact that he’s blackmailing me. And by extension, he’s blackmailing Blue. That’s the part that makes me want to kick something.

But Tegan and Sara help. Walking to Nick’s helps. The air has that crisp, early fall feeling, and people are already lining their steps with pumpkins. I love that. I’ve loved it since I was a kid.

Bieber and I cut around to Nick’s backyard and through the basement. There’s a massive TV facing the door, on which Templars are being brutalized. Nick and Leah have taken over a pair of rocking video game chairs. They look like they haven’t moved all afternoon.

Nick pauses the game when I walk in. That’s something about Nick. He won’t put down a guitar for you, but he’ll pause a video game.

Bieber! says Leah. Within seconds, he perches awkwardly with his butt in her lap, tongue out and leg thumping. He’s so freaking shameless around Leah.

No, it’s cool. Just greet the dog. Pretend I’m not here.

Aww, do you need me to scratch your ears, too?

I crack a smile. This is good; things are normal. Did you find the traitor? I ask.

Killed him. He pats the controller.

Nice.

Seriously, there is no part of me that cares about the welfare of assassins or Templars or any game character ever. But I think I need this. I need the violence of video games and the smell of this basement and the familiarity of Nick and Leah. The rhythm of our speech and silences. The aimlessness of mid-October afternoons.

Simon, Nick hasn’t heard about le wedgie.

"Ohhhh. Le wedgie. C’est une histoire touchante."

English, please? says Nick.

Or pantomime, Leah says.

As it turns out, I’m kind of awesome at reenacting epic wedgies.

So maybe I do like to perform. A little.

I think I’m getting that Nick-and-Leah sixth-grade field trip feeling. I don’t know how to explain it. But when it’s just the three of us, we have these perfect, stupid moments. Martin Addison doesn’t exist in this kind of moment. Secrets don’t exist.

Stupid. Perfect.

Leah rips up a paper straw wrapper, and they’re both holding giant Styrofoam cups of sweet tea from Chick-fil-A. I actually haven’t been to Chick-fil-A for a while. My sister heard they donate money to screw over gay people, and I guess it started to feel weird eating there. Even if their Oreo milk shakes are giant vessels of frothy deliciousness. Not that I can bring that up with Nick and Leah. I don’t exactly talk about gay stuff with anyone. Except Blue.

Nick takes a swig of his tea and yawns, and Leah immediately tries to launch a little paper wad into his mouth. But Nick clamps his mouth shut, blocking it.

She shrugs. Just keep on yawning, sleepyhead.

Why are you so tired?

Because I party hard. All night. Every night, Nick says.

If by ‘party,’ you mean your calculus homework.

WHATEVER, LEAH. He leans back, yawning again. This time, Leah’s paper wad grazes the corner of his mouth.

He flicks it back toward her.

So, I keep having these weird dreams, he adds.

I raise my eyebrows. Yikes. TMI?

Um. Not that kind of dream.

Leah’s whole face goes red.

No, just, Nick says, like actual weird dreams. Like I dreamed I was in the bathroom putting on my contacts, and I couldn’t figure out which lens went in which eye.

Okay. So then what? Leah’s face is buried in the fur on the back of Bieber’s neck, and her voice is muffled.

Nothing. I woke up, I put my contacts in like normal, and everything was fine.

That’s the most boring dream ever, she says. And then, a moment later, Isn’t that why they label the left and right sides of the containers?

Or why people should just wear glasses and stop touching their eyeballs. I sink cross-legged onto the carpet. Bieber slides out of Leah’s lap to wander toward me.

And because your glasses make you look like Harry Potter, right, Simon?

One time. I said it once.

Well, I think my unconscious is trying to tell me something. Nick can be pretty single-minded when he’s feeling intellectual. Obviously, the theme of the dream is vision. What am I not seeing? What are my blind spots?

Your music collection, I suggest.

Nick rocks backward in the video game chair and takes another swig of tea. Did you know Freud interpreted his own dreams when he was developing his theory? And he believed that all dreams are a form of unconscious wish fulfillment?

Leah and I look at each other, and I can tell we’re thinking the same thing. It doesn’t matter that he’s quite possibly talking complete bullshit, because Nick is a little bit irresistible when he’s in one of his philosophical moods.

Of course, I have a strict policy of not falling for straight guys. At least, not confirmed straight guys. Anyway, I have a policy of not falling for Nick. But Leah has fallen. And it’s caused all kinds of problems, especially now that Abby’s in the picture.

At first, I didn’t understand why Leah hated Abby, and asking about it directly got me nowhere.

"Oh, she’s the best. I mean, she’s a cheerleader. And she’s so cute and skinny. Doesn’t that just make her so amazing?"

You have to understand that no one has mastered the art of deadpan delivery like Leah.

But eventually I noticed Nick switching seats with Bram Greenfeld at lunch—calculated switching, designed to maximize his odds of sitting near Abby. And then the eyes. The famous Nick Eisner lingering, lovesick eyes. We’d been down that vomit-inducing road before with Amy Everett at the end of freshman year. Though, I have to admit there’s something fascinating about Nick’s nervous intensity when he likes someone.

When Leah sees that look pass across Nick’s face, she just shuts down.

Which means there’s actually one good reason for being Martin Addison’s wingman matchmaker bitch. If Martin and Abby hook up, maybe the Nick problem will just go away. Then Leah can chill the heck out, and equilibrium will be restored.

So it’s not just about me and my secrets. It’s hardly about me at all.

2

FROM: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com

TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com

DATE: Oct 17 at 12:06 AM

SUBJECT: Re: when you knew

That’s a pretty sexy story, Blue. I mean, middle school is like this endless horror show. Well, maybe not endless, because it ended, but it really burns into your psyche. I don’t care who you are. Puberty is merciless.

I’m curious—have you seen him since your dad’s wedding?

I don’t even know when I figured it out. It was a bunch of little things. Like this weird dream I had once about Daniel Radcliffe. Or how I was obsessed with Passion Pit in middle school, and then I realized it wasn’t really about the music.

And then in eighth grade, I had this girlfriend. It was one of those things where you’re dating but you don’t ever go anywhere outside of school. And you don’t really do anything in school either. I think we held hands. So, we went to the eighth-grade dance as a couple, but my friends and I spent the whole night eating Fritos and spying on people from under the bleachers. And at one point, this random girl comes up to me and tells me my girlfriend is waiting in front of the gym. I was supposed to go out there and find her, and I guess we were supposed to make out. In that closed-mouth middle school way.

So, here’s my proudest moment: I ran and hid like a freaking preschooler in the bathroom. Like, in the stall with the door closed, crouched up on the toilet so my legs wouldn’t show. As if the girls were going to break in and bust me. Honest to God, I stayed there for the entire evening. And then I never spoke to my girlfriend again.

Also, it was Valentine’s Day. Because I’m that classy. So, yeah, if I’m being completely honest with myself, I definitely knew at that point. Except I’ve had two other girlfriends since then.

Did you know that this is officially the longest email I’ve ever written? I’m not even kidding. You may actually be the only person who gets more than 140 characters from me. That’s kind of awesome, right?

Anyway, I think I’ll sign off here. Not going to lie. It’s been kind of a weird day.

—Jacques

FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com

TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com

DATE: Oct 17 at 8:46 PM

SUBJECT: Re: when you knew

I’m the only one? That’s definitely kind of awesome. I’m really honored, Jacques. It’s funny, because I don’t really email, either. And I never talk about this stuff with anyone. Only you.

For what it’s worth, I think it would be incredibly depressing if your actual proudest moment happened in middle school. You can’t imagine how much I hated middle school. Remember the way people would look at you blankly and say, Um, okaaay, after you finished talking? Everyone just had to make it so clear that, whatever you were thinking or feeling, you were totally alone. The worst part, of course, was that I did the same thing to other people. It makes me a little nauseated just remembering that.

So, basically, what I’m trying to say is that you should really give yourself a break. We were all awful then.

To answer your question, I’ve seen him a couple of times since the wedding—probably twice a year or so. My stepmother seems to have a lot of family reunions and things. He’s married, and I think his wife is pregnant now. It’s not awkward, exactly, because the whole thing was in my head. It’s really amazing, isn’t it? Someone can trigger your sexual identity crisis and not have a clue they’re doing it. Honestly, he probably still thinks of me as his cousin’s weird twelve-year-old stepson.

So I guess this is the obvious question, but I’ll ask it anyway: If you knew you were gay, how did you end up having girlfriends?

Sorry about your weird day.

—Blue

FROM: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com

TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com

DATE: Oct 18 at 11:15 PM

SUBJECT: Re: when you knew

Blue,

Yup, the dreaded okaaay. Always accompanied by arched eyebrows and a mouth twisted into a condescending little butthole. And yes, I said it, too. We all sucked so much in middle school.

I guess the girlfriend thing is a little hard to explain. Everything just sort of happened. The eighth-grade relationship was a total mess, obviously, so that was different. As for the other two: basically, they were friends, and then I found out they liked me, and then we started dating. And then we broke up, and both of them dumped me, and it was all pretty painless. I’m still friends with the girl I dated freshman year.

Honestly, though? I think the real reason I had girlfriends was because I didn’t one hundred percent believe I was gay. Or maybe I didn’t think it was permanent.

I know you’re probably thinking: Okaaaaaaay.

—Jacques

FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com

TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com

DATE: Oct 19 at 8:01 AM

SUBJECT: The obligatory . . .

Okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy.

(Eyebrows, butthole mouth, etc.)

—Blue

3

THE SHITTIEST THING ABOUT THE Martin situation is that I can’t bring it up with Blue. I’m not used to keeping secrets from him.

I mean, there are a lot of things he and I don’t tell each other. We talk about all the big things, but avoid the identifying details—the names of our friends and anything too specific about school. All the stuff that I used to think defined me. But I don’t think of those things as secrets. It’s more like an unspoken agreement.

If Blue were a real junior at Creekwood with a locker and a GPA and a Facebook profile, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be telling him anything. I mean, he is a real junior at Creekwood. I know that. But in a way, he lives in my laptop. It’s hard to explain.

I was the one who found him. On the Tumblr, of all places. It was August, right when school was starting. Creeksecrets is supposed to be where you can post anonymous confessions and secret random thoughts, and people can comment, but no one really judges you. Except it all kind of devolved into this sinkhole of gossip and bad poetry and misspelled Bible quotes. And I guess it’s kind of addictive either way.

That’s where I found Blue’s post. It just kind of spoke to me. And I don’t even think it was just the gay thing. I don’t know. It was seriously like five lines, but it was grammatically correct and strangely poetic, and just completely different from anything I’d ever read before.

I guess it was about loneliness. And it’s funny, because I don’t really think of myself as lonely. But there was something so familiar about the way Blue described the feeling. It was like he had pulled the ideas from my head.

Like the way you can memorize someone’s gestures but never know their thoughts. And the feeling that people are like houses with vast rooms and tiny windows.

The way you can feel so exposed anyway.

The way he feels so hidden and so exposed about the fact that he’s gay.

I felt strangely panicked and self-conscious when I read that part, but there was also this quiet thrum of excitement.

He talked about the ocean between people. And how the whole point of everything is to find a shore worth swimming to.

I mean, I just had to know him.

Eventually I worked up the courage to post the only comment I could think of, which was: THIS. All caps. And then I wrote my email address. My secret Gmail account.

I spent the next week obsessing about whether or not he would contact me. And then he did. Later, he told me that my comment made him a little nervous. He’s really careful about things. Obviously, he’s more careful than I am. Basically, if Blue finds out that Martin Addison has screenshots of our emails, I’m pretty sure he’ll freak out. But he’ll freak out in a totally Blue way.

Meaning, he’ll stop emailing me.

I remember exactly how it felt to see that first message from him in my in-box. It was a little bit surreal. He wanted to know about me. For the next few days at school after that, it felt like I was a character in a movie. I could almost imagine a close-up of my face, projected wide-screen.

It’s strange, because in reality, I’m not the leading guy. Maybe I’m the best friend.

I guess I didn’t really think of myself as interesting until I was interesting to Blue. So I can’t tell him. I’d rather not lose him.

I’ve been avoiding Martin. All week, in class and rehearsal, I see him trying to catch my eye. I know it’s kind of cowardly. This whole situation makes me feel like a coward. It’s especially stupid, because I’ve already decided I’ll help him.

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